Very, Very Awkward Work Experience
My afternoon has been pretty slow. I have a meeting at 4, but otherwise I’ve been kind of twiddling my thumbs. I was deep into online research about pecan pie recipes when a coworker asked me to be a witness. She was holding a meeting with one of her kid’s mom, and she wanted another worker there to make sure there were no questions about what was discussed. This is pretty common when you’re dealing with something as important as children being taken away from their parents. I followed her into the conference room, and was taken aback to realize that I knew the mom. Her name was Sally* and we had gone to high school together. Sally and I weren’t friends, but we had definitely run into each other. I’m pretty sure that she also used to hang up at the pool with us when I was a lifeguard. I sat down next to her and made no indication that I knew her as I introduced myself, just simply out of professional courtesy. She didn’t say anything to me, either, and I have to be honest that I didn’t blame her. It’s embarrassing enough to go into an office and convince someone that you are a good enough mother to be trusted alone with your children; it would be excruciating to know one of the people you’re explaining it to. I know that a lot of the girls who work in offices in the small towns they grew up in have this problem. All of the sudden they see those kids that used to get suspended all the time drug in front of them in court being accused of beating their kids. Most of the time, those workers are not surprised to see these people’s children in state custody. I think it’s really different when you live in a county of half a million people. You don’t go to the grocery store knowing that you’ll recognize faces, and you don’t go into work thinking that one of your classmates will be there because she hit her child. This happened once before, about three years ago. I had gone for meeting at the county mental health center, and as I was wandering around looking for where I was supposed to be, I ran into a girl who had been my friend freshman year in high school. This was different, though. For one thing, while I was at work when I saw her, I didn’t meet her as a professional. I met her as a person who happened to run into someone they knew in public. Second, she wasn’t there because she had done something horrible like hurt her child. She was there because she had mental health issues. Besides, I was not surprised at all to find out that she had mental health issues; that kind of thing always seemed to lurk behind her eyes. And, of course, I attach no stigma whatsoever to mental illnesses. It would be like if I saw her in a physician’s office where she was being treated for diabetes. Sally had done something wrong and contemptuous. She had hurt her child, and I was one of the “them” that had taken her child away, and to whom she had to prove herself. The whole situation unsettled me, and I certainly hope that I don’t meet anyone else I know personally here again.*Sally, of course is a pseudonym
posted by Jen @ 11/14/2005 01:40:00 PM
6 Comments:
Ugh. Sounds kinda like one of those one-night-stands that you see a couple of weeks later in the mall.
*shudders*
So, do you work in child protective services or something?
Isn't there a chance that "you all" were wrong about her "hitting" experience? I don't want to offend anyone, and I don't know what it's like in the USA, but in Canada, I'm tired of myself and others being accused of doing something wretched to my kids, when actually, I'm one of the more concerned moms I know of. It bothers me that in society, more and more, we have less say on how we raise our children. That's a very VERY scary thought to me.
To back your point though, yes, that would be very awkward. VERY! I wonder if I might not at that point excused myself and asked my coworker if she could ask someone else. I dunno...you handled it better than me though. I can't help feeling bad for the mom and knowing you probably made her feel all the worse.
P- exactly
R- Very, very little chance. Our state is one of the best systems in the country (our foster care system is not nationalized, which is good for us but bad for some states with crappy systems). Being falsely accused, of course, is one thing - that could happen to anyone. Having those accusations substantiated is a far different matter. Once a person is accused, that accusation is looked at and the validity is determined. If we have a suspition that it may be valid, a very, very thorough investigation is done. If during the investigation it is determined that abuse or neglect exists, we must make our case in front of a judge and the parents lawyers. Then the judge determines if we're full of it or not. So, in Kansas, if a child comes into custody, you can be very sure that it's not for a one-time spanking. How does it work in Canada?
ooooh boy this is a long story. Keeping in mind I'm not on the inside, so I can't prove, nor really substantiate anything, but...I am a mom.
I was investigated when my daughter was about a year old. The baby's father had left, I was alone but my mom babysat for me. What happened was, my sister, who was 14 at the time, took it upon herself while I was in school to take my daughter out to visit my grandmother who lived in another neighbouring city. My vile aunt, heard about it, called the children's aid, who then in turn were at my door to take the kids immediately. Turns out, I should have known where she was the entire time, it was my fault that my sister didn't phone me, my sister was too young to be looking after a small one, and the investigator/interrogator told me straight up "You've been cooperating so far, but let me just tell you: I don't need a reason to take your kid at this point. They only send me when there is something very wrong and I am here to take her with me. You are here to tell me why I shouldn't. Now, if you play ball, and do everything I tell you, agree to everything I suggest, then we'll think about letting your daughter back into your life." So, I signed forms that my mother was never allowed to see my daughter without me present, I enrolled her in daycare, I agreed to having a woman come to my home every tuesday for a few hours to look around, watch me make dinner and see that the home environment is still good, and I was immediately switched to a new worker. They came once, saw all was fine and dropped it. Problem lies in the attitude of the workers...they are rude, pushy, and assume you are guilty from the get go. My aunt is a whole other matter, I'll tell ya sometime if you are interested at all. anyway, recently, my daughter was being bullied in school (last term) and M. had called the teacher to ask questions about it, but she kept claiming she didn't see anything happen. S. kept coming home complaining about the teacher and the teacher was phoning me at work, even though I'd told her time and again not to, about the stupidest mundane crap. Well, S. got threatened that if she didn't steal something at this bookfair at school for the bullies, they beat her up. So, she did and then they ratted her out and the teacher then told S. that she was a liar, got suspended for the second time (the first time was telling the bullies to go back to whatever country they came from - oh my) in the last while. Well, at some point, they called and told me that these bruises on her and the fact that she seemed depressed and suicidal because during a test she doodled a list of "poeple I"d like to kill" and a picture of her crying. They assumed we're doing something to her, so we get them harrassing us again after years of nothing. They were convinced we were beating the kids, even though s. said otherwise, so, they asked for permission to see my daughter's medical records, to prove that she has ADD supposedly and therefore, acts up and does do weird things (she does) so instead, a week later I had an appt. for s. with the pediatrition, but we had to move the date, not cancel it, M. who works shifts, ended up having to work. Ok. Next thing I know, they are back! They said that I broke a contract (I wasn't aware of this, but I guess I agreed by letting them talk to the dr. that she'd never miss an appt.), that we are neglecting my daughter's medical needs, that she's crazy and in need of psych help, and that we are shits (basically) as parents and don't seem to care about her emotional wellbeing. This is not true, but we DO know our daughter, and we DO know when she is grasping for attention -- she does stunts like the bullying pictures to be noticed, and the teachers, principal, and the ward councillor (when m. demanded a meeting) didn't care...he took pictures of the bruises and was promised that there would be a hearing that never came conveniently for their sake. The intake drs at the psych dept. told us they don't feel she needs any help at all, and they were surprised that the CAS were making us do this, but we remained adament and so, we are wasting space and time that could be used for a child with legitimate needs. We are on a waiting list, last time, it took over a year for our call back at which time, her medication had been changed, and she was fine once more. ADD is NOT a mental syndrome, but apparently these CAS workers think so. Anyway, the pediatrition thinks there is nothing wrong either (her specialist for her ADD probs), and my MIL thinks that we must have done something wrong to warrant all this, but we HAVE NOT!!! She all but accused me of hurting/neglecting the kids because "the gov is never wrong". That's the kinda thinking IMHO that causes problems in society. Anyway, so the last time she closed our file, she told us that if we ever miss a dr's appt, change a dr's appt or miss the group therapy my daughter is now in (which is a crock and the class started with over 30 ppl and now it is just us left because it's such a useless program) for preteen girls at risk of becoming deliinquents (because they are convinced S is going ot go postal and kill us all!) that they'll say nothing, but come and take the kids - both of them. MIL hates that too because "there is nothing wrong with Doodlebug!" she's so dumb. Anyway, it's a horrible system, and the innocent ones are made to look bad in front of their peers and lose respect of family and friends. I HATE the society and if I ever am in a situation where I know someone wants to be a foster parent or adopt, i'll steer them clear of these power tripping a**holes. There. I'm done. Glad that the states don't seem to be like that. If only we could spend the extra dollars in this country to implement something good. I feel, that when THEY see something bad, then they shoudl do something about it, only then...not guilty until proven innocent.
R- Um, wow. Sounds pretty yucky to me. Things are that way in the rural counties around here, I think. I've had cases where I didn't agree with the children being removed from the home. In those cases I've felt like the parent's reputation was the reason more than any real abuse or neglect. So it happens, even in the best of systems. It sounds like the second worker you had when your daughter was a baby was a much more professional person than the first.
Thanks Jen, that's what I felt as well, I think that first one was in this line of work because he honestly enjoyed hurting people...seriously! He had a sadistic gleeful smile on his face...sickening.
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